Marriage?

So right now I love my husband but I HATE our marriage IF you could even call it that. I hate pretending that nothings wrong. Honestly I pretty sure its not fooling anyone. I am not happy how can I be? I have very little trust in him and there is NO romance whatsoever! I always to nice things and send him little romantic notes I get NOTHING. I get an "love you" every now and then and a compliment when I ask for one. So basically our "marrige" is one sided. I make the effort he does nothing. When we get to actually live together if things dont change then we are going to counsling. I though I was supposed to be able to tell my husband anything but I cant at least not without him getting mad or upset or telling someone else. Actually there are very few people I can tell anything to without it spreading like wild fire. So I give up on being open and honest. I am second guessing going out to visit him in November because none of my friends out there talk to me on a regular basis anymore and as of now my husband isnt even talking to me so I guess I'll be staying in WA or driving to Cali for Thanksgiving. We shall see I have a lot of prayers to say and thinking to do I hate this.

Tattoos and Memories

So as I have said in my previous blog that I was seriously depressed and I was cutting. I dont believe all cutting is to get attention. I never told anyone about it until after I had gotten over my depresstion its more then just an attention getting act I actually lied to people when the noticed my cuts scabs or scars.  I am well past that part of my life the last time I cut was the day my grandpa died. I was in so much pain emotionally that I didnt know how to focus it in any other way. I am glad that I am passed that part of my life. Its over I havent thought about cutting in 9 months. I know my grandpa would be hurt and I knew it would really upset my grandma if she saw. I am a changed person emotinally. I owe a big part of that change to God for helping me giving me the strength to get threw that extremely low part of my life. I also owe a lot to my family. Without their huge support I wouldnt have made it threw. There are 2 people though who helped me more then everyone else though NOT that the rest didnt. The first person is my grandma she not only  allowed me to move with her to WA she came out to NC and helped me move and drove across country with me. We have had so many talks that have helped me I can tell her anything and I know she wont judge or blow it off. SHE is and always will be my guardian angel she has NO IDEA how much she has effected my life and how many times her phone calls to me in NC litterly saved my life. The other person is my Aunt Kathy. I dont think she knows really, I tell  her so anythings and I feel like I can just open my heart to her and let everything pour out and I know she will never judge me (not that my mom or anyone else I talk to would) She is more then an Aunt to me she is my best friend my mom away from my mom. If I need her I know she is just a phone call away ( like my mom) if I needed her in the middle of the night I have no doubt she would jump in her car and drive to where ever I was. I can talk to her about my depresstion and know she feels the same thing she understands. My Aunt Kathy has majorly helped me in my spritual healing. So Thank you Aunt Kathy and grandma  and the rest of my family for everything... Now I bet you are thinking " Thats all well and good but your title is Tattoos and Memories where does that tattoo fit in?" Well I have been thinking I want something to cover up my scars I wanna cry everytime I see them its reminds be of I time I have gotten past... I want an angel because I know that God had sent and angel to keep me safe during my depresstions...So my next tattoo is going to be an angel to cover up the bad memories thats where the Title "Tattoos and Memories" came in

Coming back from the other side

I haven't told many people this actually just a few family members know and maybe a friend
 When I lived in NC I was servery depressed. More then anyone in my life knows.More then I can put into words.  Moving to Washington has totally changed my life. I was suicidal in NC. Everyday I thought of ways to kill myself the one that came across my mind most was driving my car in to a tree. I wondered would people really miss me? Would it really matter I haven't done anything to be remembered by. I haven't changed anyone's life in anyway. I haven't done anything with my life. I only have a High School Education no job nothing, I have scars on my arm from where I started to cut but then thought... I don't want to die in this house it would suck for the next people who live here. I fought with my husband to move to WA. Life has turned around. I am happy. Of course I have my down days but everyone does. Though the rain does get tiresome I am going to the gym and loosing weight.  I enjoy spending time with my grandma and family. I cant wait for Jon to come home so we can move to  Fort Lewis. We might be buying a house and will be starting a family soonish lol. So there is it.. I was in a dark dark place but made it out the other side alive not without a few scars and bad memories but with a stronger faith in myself family and above all My Lord. Not only has God saved me but my family and a very few friends. I am thankful!!

Here we go...

Jon is coming home on R&R pretty soon and we have soo much planned. I have been working out for about 6 weeks and dieting for 3 weeks and have lost almost 20 pounds! I am so excited and feel great. I am leaving for California tomorrow for a week. It should be fun. I havent written in a little while so i thought I would post a little update

God

What does God look like to you?
I was thinking about the blog my Aunt Kathy Posted about my cousin asking what God looks like. And when we were in beautiful Mt.Rainier marveling at God's creation I realized to that to me,God is a male and female. God is many people, I see God everywhere. I see him in a soldier dirty and tired from his or her long day out on patrol in a soldier's wife or husband when they see their spouse for the first time in half a year or more. I see God in everyday people doing extraordinary things, in a teacher making a difference on just one students life, in the parents to stay by the children's side no matter how difficult life can be. I see God in neighbors and friends and strangers going out of their way to help someone to make sure they are ok. God is a him and her. God is always there always making sure the plan that he/she has planned out is going accordingly. I know that not everyone on my friends life believes the same way I do or even believes in God. Theses are my feelings I am blissfully happy with myself in my strong faith and awesome support system.

4 Months

Yup that's right it has been 4 months since my husband left and my grandpa passed. It is STILL so surreal. I HATE to say it but sometimes I forget. Not about  those 2 men but that they are gone and what its like to be with them. I forget what their hugs and kisses feel like. I forget what my grandpa's voice sounds like. I forget and I hate that I forget and I hate myself for forgetting 2 of the most important people. Somedays I just dont know how to feel. Like today I have been in bed sick all day its lonely and I hate it all I did was lay in bed and watch netflix in my underware and a tank top drinking mellow yellow and eating toast. Only a few more days to pack stuff up and move to WA. I cant wait maybe I'll feel better there maybe I'll find ME

Overwhelmed

So I havent written in a while. I am just so overwhelmed with all the moving stuff and Jon being gone. Jon and I got in a huge fight the other night well it was me yelling at him for him being a complete and total ass whole, but he is getting help and thats what is important. Im not really going to go into details on the internet about what happend but I was pretty darn close to wanting to leave him. On a brighter note I am moving to WA next week is my last week in NC for a while. I cant wait to move I hate being here alone. I am going to start looking for a job and working out. I wanna look good for when Jon comes home for R&R. Well thats all really... It snowed yesterday and that quickly turned to ice and it is still ice. OK Ill update more later